Rant On Dating

Okay folks this is long and not well written.  I put this on facebook. I have not taken the time to correct it so please feel free to laugh and make fun of it. Also feel free to disagree with it.  I would love a good conversation on this topic thanks.  It is long.

In this post I am only tagging my daughters but I want all you young folks for whom I am an uncle or close please read. I wish to impart something I learned in my life and I hope that it will help you. It is a long read but I hope worth your while. Sorry ahead of time this is very long.

I have seen something in humanity that I find sad. I think it comes with the modernization of society. I am referring to relationships (choosing your mate) and how they are working in modern society. There was a time in history where families were made by families. What I mean by this a child would not get their choice of whom to marry. The marriage would be arranged by two families that would mutually benefit each family. The purpose of this was for the best chance of the family continuing and the success of society. Also a parent who has more understanding of life (due to being part of it longer) is able to make better decisions and will understand what it takes to have a strong, vibrant and alive family. Then as times changed from arranged marriages (yes they are still practiced in this world but less then was) to court ship people found freedom and were able to make some choices for themselves. (is all freedom good or better yet is all freedom really free) Courtship is an easy concept to understand but not very well perceived in our anything goes culture. The point of the courtship is to determine if the person you are courting would make a good mate. It attempts to do this in the safest way possible by creating boundaries that, if followed, will allow you to get to know someone and make that determination. Those boundaries (in simple terms it could get very complicated if you let it) are simple you are not allowed to be alone together, your parents are to approve of the person you are to court prior to you courting and the girls parents are to approve who is the chaperone during the courtship. The chaperones could be different people but the job of the girls parent is to protect the girl. The reason is simple guys are stronger then girls and will take advantage of that when they can (as we have seen frequently). When one is courting this is not possible. Also the other reason for a chaperone is to help determine the character of the individuals courting. This allows someone with an outside perspective to help make a decisions that will effect the rest of your life. Courting when done correctly allows for freedom of who you want to marry at the same time puts boundaries around folks that will protect the individual as well as society.

When one follows standard courtship rules things like out of wedlock births cant happen, date rape can’t happen and divorce will drastically shrink in numbers. If you do not understand how I came to those conclusions I will not defend it here in this post. Maybe another on when I have more time. In fact a proper introduction has been lost in society. There was a time when a women would not go up and introduce herself to a man nor a man to a women they did not know. They would have a friend introduce them and that friend would, by introduction, be vouching for the character of the person who is being introduced actually on both sides. In other words you would not introduce a friend to someone who was not trustworthy due to the risk of the untrustworthy individual doing something untrustworthy. This was all part of the courtship society.

Lets look at the traditional dating scene (by traditional I mean over the last say 75 years or so). The finding a mate scene changed from courtship to dating. This happened over a number of decades but from about 1950 on it changed at a very rapid pace. I believe WWII had much to do with this. WWII was hard on the country and on the folks who fought. This created a sense that they wanted their children to have it much easier and they allowed things to loosen up a bit then quickly things turned on them in a way they never saw coming. The turbulent 60’s and the sexual revolution. Remember Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll. If you did not catch it Sex and Rock and Roll are the same thing. (if you do not understand ask someone old they will explain it to you).

Things that end up bad often start out small such as dating. At first the parents expected the boys to ask the father to date his daughter. This is a left over of the courting culture. That went mostly away over about a 20 year period. (it still happens today but rarely) The reason it went away is largely tied into the secularization of society and how the school system has actively worked towards eliminating the authority of the parent thus making parents wishes okay to ignore. The traditional dating scene is where a boy ask a girl to go on a date. The boy would first get the okay from the father and then plan a date and go. There were rules as to how long you could stay out where you would go and even if you were allowed to hold hands or not. This quickly changed again with the sexual revolution.

The sexual revolution was mostly started by folks who had rejected the Christian faith and in doing so stated that we are free to do what we want when we want. The misperception here (of course) is in the Christian faith you have always had that freedom. In the Christian faith you are truly free to live anyway you want we teach that we should live a life filled with Christ and His righteousness not what we would consider right. We only do this of our own free will it is never forced on anyone and could not be even if we wanted it to and it has been tried many many times. You can not force Love (which is a state not an emotion).

Back to the sexual revolution. One big piece that came from the sexual revolution was the rapid spreading of STD’s (sexually transmitted Diseases). Prior to this they were rare and usually only found amongst prostitutes and those who frequented them or drug users (yes there were drug users prior to the hippies). This should have taught society that there are consequences to ones actions but it did not. Instead they went head on accepting the consequences to where now there are hundreds of millions (world wide) who are infected with a STD and millions who have died and are dying from a STD. Of course our society is still not seeing the consequences for their actions. Society is still saying “DAMN! the consequences full steam ahead!” (sorry if you do not understand that analogy you were taught in a substandard education system lead by folks with an agenda that is not education but propagandizing).

The sexual revolution gave us much more then just STD’s it gave us a sky rocketing out of wedlock birth rate, a skyrocketing divorce rate the normalizing of pornography (so now we have nation where a boy is not able to grow up with out having to deal with it) and probably the worse of the whole batch is the emotional damage.

I realize as a society we want to pretend that sex is simple a function. It is not. It is a function as well as and even more importantly a contract between two people. This contract says I love you (remember love is a state not an emotion) and I am committed to you and only you. This contract says that we are not partners for life and I look forward to each day with you through the thick and the thin. Through the good and the bad. Through the rough and the smooth. Our society tries to say this is not so but lets look at the evidence in society. Single moms, (not counting widows) who really wants to be a single mom? I would say only selfish folks want to be a single mom. It is common sense that kids are always always better off with two parents. (the assumption that one parents is not abusive which is a subject for a different post). I am sad to say that many of the single mothers I know actually want to bring children into the world as a single parent. I know this is not everyone but sad to say in our current culture it is common. I do believe that through the next two generations this will be alleviated and level out a bit lower then we currently are today. I am not sure how much if I would hazard a guess I would say about 20%. Remember folks single parenthood is one of the bigger indicators of someone living in poverty the rest of their lives. I believe it may even be a bigger indicator then a lack of education though I am not sure. The sexual revolution has done much more then this and none of it good but I am not going to get into that in this post.

This brings us to the modern day. Dating today (if you can call it that). Today it is okay to hook up or have a friend with benefits. (a disgusting term) A disgusting turn of events and as I have shown and the evidence of societal breakdown has shown the promises made by the sexual revolution have failed. We are not free in fact we are more slaves to passion and emotions then any time in our countries history. Today when someone dates someone else they feel it is no one else’s business. The common thought is “I am independent and it is my life I can do what I please” and to a point this is true you can do as you please but you are not independent. I know of no one in all of history who has not had help from someone at some time in their life. True independence is a lie. This lie is what lies behind much of our current ills in society. Some how we think that we are only hurting ourselves by our actions or that society does not matter only my momentary happiness. This is all not true. When you are hurt those who care about you are hurt along with you. When you become a single parent society pays a price through welfare or crime, poverty programs and so on. What you do is not independent of everyone else it is very very interdependent of everyone else in fact if society was truly independent then you would get no help from anyone and you would either work or starve. You may even starve if you work because you are not always successful.

Back to dating. Dating in todays culture has completely divorced the family from any part of decision making. Some will say this is good. I say it is bad and I say the stats back it up. Look at the divorce rate and the out of wedlock birth rate just to name two. If you want to look at the crime rate and drop out rate they are also directly related to how we perceive family and the family purpose. How about how happy people are in marriage. I can make a bet that those who are happy in marriage have strong interaction with their family (generalization here always exception but according to the rules of logic that only supports the generalization) and they help to make stronger families in the future.

This family interaction is dying. Young adults (I would say about 35 and under) were raised with out the awareness of what was once considered not okay. Now they were raised by folks who bucked the system that was in place and have chosen a different path. I do believe though that the millennial’s are starting to see what their parents and their grand parents have done. How the changes that so many are so proud of, such as the ability to have sex with anyone you want to do any drug you want or protest anything you want, have actually turned out bad and how that is all being dumped on them. The millennial’s are inheriting a broken society that is in debt (due to welfare) a debt so bad that it cant be paid off even in their life time so their kids and their grandkids will also be suffering for this. They have seen and have understood the break down of the family many of them are the result of it they have lived through some of the worst kids have seen in US history.

Back to dating. How to pick a mate (my original intent on this post). Find someone who adores you. Men do not date someone you do not adore. Remember love is a state of being not an emotion. Emotions come and go. Please listen to your parents. They know you at your young age better then you know yourself. Listen to those around you if they are all saying it is a bad match it most likely is. I realize that the safeguards that society once had in place are gone now. Even with that you can implement safeguards in your own life. You can turn to those who love you and who care for you. You can make the choice to believe they have your best interest at heart. Remember just because they are nice and will always be nice does not mean they are for you. Love is a choice not an emotion.

Find that person who wants to live in a state of love with you. Learn what love really is not what TV portrays it as. You want to learn about a good marriage talk to old folks who have one. NOT the old folks who have been married 2 or 3 times but the old folks who have been married 30, 50 or 70 years. They have something to share. They understand. Know this you can marry many people but most of the ones you can marry will never be right. You can date many people but why?!? The one thing everyone wants (even those who say they dont) they want someone to be happy with. To live with to raise a family with. They want to have companionship for their life that one person they can trust and look too even if they are angry with them. Trust has to be their. That one person holds no records of all your wrong doings (that could be long) and you hold no record of theirs. That is not living in a state of love. Please do not follow the culture be choosy and listen to those around you who have life experience not those of the same age (sorry folks). If you are not willing to live in that state of love with someone then please quit dating them and by all means do not marry them.

In all this I favor arranged marriages. I do understand our current culture does not allow for this so I will stand by a good courtship. I think if you truly want a good life then you will have to make good choices. I know many of you have made bad choices and those are not in the past. Though those consequences are still with you. It is time to start to make good choices. If you want to do that please talk with me. I am more then happy to help. In fact I really want to help. There is nothing more important to me then you.

Sorry this is long and if you read the whole thing then thanks.

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